Golf Bumper Stickers

• When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.
• I won’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
• I have spent most of my life golfing...the rest I have just wasted.
• I am hitting the woods just great...but having a terrible time getting out of them!
• A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible.
• My body is here, but my mind has already teed off.
• May thy ball lie in green pastures and not in still waters.
• Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

Survey Says

Results from 2,000 US golfers who play more than 25 rounds a year, surveyed by Golf magazine:

• 8% have had sex on the course (figure rises to 18% for low handicappers)
• 16% have broken a club in anger; 43% have thrown a club
• 59% have improved their lie when fellow players weren’t looking
• 37% said if they could ban one thing from the golf course it would be slow players.

Wartime Rules

Temporary Provisions:

• Players are asked to collect bomb and shell splinters to save causing damage to the mowing machines.
• In competition, during gunfire or while bombs are falling, players may take cover without penalty for ceasing play.
• The position of known delayed-action bombs are marked by red and white flags placed at a reasonably, but not guaranteed, safe distance.
• A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.
• A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced as near as possible to where it lay, or if lost or destroyed a ball may be dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.
• A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb or shell, or by machine gun fire, may play another ball from the same place.  Penalty: one stroke.